Denial. Most of us have a clear understanding of what the word means. Some see it as the ultimate act of self preservation, deny yourself that last piece of cheese cake and hope that you miracuously look good in the new dress you bought for the work Christmas party. Ignore the cacophany of thoughts and feelings that we all experience (regardless of how zen we attempt to appear) and hope that the world just tumbles away. Like standing on a beach as the tide slowly ebbs away. Ignore things long enough and the issue is no longer… or so we hope.
Why do we deny ourselves of so much? Why do we seek to segment our lives into perfect little boxes, all neatly wrapped instead of embracing our true desires? Life is messy. Anyone who lives with a toddler who has just scrawled a masterpiece in permanent marker across the new leather sofa or painted the work briefcase with red nail polish knows that life is messy. Why do we fight it?
Perhaps we should succumb to the inevitable; blissfully surrender to chaos.
Personally, I find myself trying to control my thoughts, feelings and actions almost every minute of the day. I enjoy the rare moment when I can just breathe and live. Blocking out every externally produced thought or rational to my behaviour and do exactly what I want to be doing at that particular moment. When I have these times of perfect clarity it becomes like a drug. Like waking from a dream and fighting desperately to fall back into sleep and the same dreamscape.
Things I know I shouldn’t do become a compulsion for the simple undeniable fact that I want to behave like that. I want to exist in that space for however long I am permitted. To laugh, to love, to breathe without constantly questioning myself. We as humans are our own worst enemies, our biggest critics.
From a young age we are conditioned like robots to think and act a certain way. We are denying ourselves in order to ensure the comfort of others. When will our needs be as important as everyone elses?